Worth...where are you?

Worth.I've been battling with this word lately.I'm trying to wrap my head completely around it and I can't seem to do that because anytime that I think I have it sorted, something proves me wrong. To have worth in something means that something is of value to you.What do I put my worth in?What am I valuing?

No, us being ridiculous humans, rely on other people to make sure that we feel "worth" it. I know that I'm guilty of this and it's something that I have been struggling with since I've been here in New Zealand. I wonder if I'm worth someone's time, or if I'm just annoying them.I wonder if my friends in the US and England think I'm worth their time.If I'm worth talking to and checking up on.What makes us think that we aren't worth people's time?Better yet,why do I look to other people to feel my self-worth?I can't help but get frustrated at myself.

It's almost like I'll be struggling with this until someone grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me and says "you're worth it."I think that it has to do with self-respect.Why do I find it so much easier to respect other people, but never myself.I always find myself last on the totem pole...I constantly do things for others and aim to help those in need and put myself at the bottom of the pile. Some would call this "awesome," while others would say that it's "unhealthy." Where do we draw the line?

I know I'm rambling,but seriously...how do we know when too much is too much?How do we know when we've gone past the healthy caring point and gotten to the unhealthy caring point?Why do I find it so easy to love until it hurts...and not give up on people.

I remember talking with a friend a few years back and how he had this "damsel in distress" syndrome. You know the one...where he sees a girl that it's need...or lacking the love of Jesus that he thought she could/should have...so what would he do?He would try to fix it..but it only ended up messing up his life...literally.

Why do I constantly want to fix other people's problems?When I'm friends with someone I care until I hurt...physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally.I'm constantly going through circumstances in my mind that could better this person, which makes me forget about myself..which makes me doubt if I'm "worth it" to other people.I just want to feel like I'm worth someone's time. Worth more than just five minutes here and there.

Then another part of me says, "Heidi Genevieve...you get your worth from God." Which I know is true in my heart, but my head can't seem to grasp that.My heart is giving out to many people and wanting to feel worth in return in a sense...if that makes any sense at all.I know that my worth comes from God, but knowing that people genuinely care matters a lot too.I care about people so much and they know that...I just want that same feeling.