The Cry of my Heart

Abba Father,
I don't know where to start.My heart is full...full of joy, full of happiness, full of thankfulness, full of gratitude, full of adventure, full of excitement.God, I know that You have placed me here for a purpose...and though that purpose may not be entirely clear to me right now, I will not lose hope that I am here to help transform lives...even if it's in the smallest way possible.

God,I cry out to you for help.I want to be a woman of God that has rough knees.Please give me more of a servant's heart.Help me to be selfless for You and that when I do serve people that I give You all the glory and honor and praise for it.God, people need to know what real love is in a world where all they've known are lies.Help me to show them real love.Help me to be bold when I'm scared.Help me to be daring when I'm frightened.Help me acknowledge Your work more and more each day.Help me to be positive when I feel like failure.Help me to find my self worth in You and not in what man tells me.Where I could see a negative thing, help me to see something beautiful.

Rid me of myself and make me fall at Your feet.You are so holy.That word amazes me and doesn't even do justice to how huge You are to me.Help me to feel Your presence wherever I am.Help me to love when it's uncomfortable.Be my comfort when I'm hurting.Be my source for wisdom.Be my passion when I've lost it.Be my smile when I am sad.Be my arms when someone needs a hug.Be my Dad when mine is miles away.Be my hope in a hopeless world.Be my laughter when people have forgotten how to laugh.Fill me up when I am dry.Be my heart, God.Help me to love without needing/wanting anything in return.Help me to be a blessing to those around me.

Make me selfless.

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant." (Ps. 143)

How to Save a Life

Now,I'm not "The Fray," but I learned how to save a life today.Today is Sunday in kiwiland...and I had gone out for a meeting after church and didn't make it home until about 3 pm.So, I put my key in the door and walk in.Then,I hear it...something struggling.

I turned to my left and I see this bird flying around my living room.I instantly panicked.I went back outside and closed the door."What the heck am I going to do?"is what I thought.So, I thought to myself that I wasn't going to be intimidated by a bird(though clearly I was), so I went back inside the house.I tried to think of how this bird managed to get into our house without one of us noticing.

All of my flatmates were gone, so then I thought that it was a pretty sweet prank to pull,but I was worried when I saw the bird landing on my fresh clean laundry that it would poop on it...so I panicked yet again.Okay, think Heidi...how do you get this thing out.It kept running into the windows, so I wasn't about to go over there to try and open them.So,I do what any girl does...I call a guy...however, this guy doesn't pick up his phone.So, then I do what any girl would do next: call another guy...but there again was no answer.So, I call Rachel and she talks me through it.

I was in rare form.I was literally dodging my head and trying to make it go in my sweater for fear of the bird pooping on me or pecking out my eyes (thanks to a scary story told to me by one of my friends).The doors wouldn't open...awesome.I struggled for a bit, but finally the latch opened and I stood back waiting for the bird to leave.Instead of going out the door, it flew into the window again...then it got some brains (I honestly don't know how it had any left after running into the window that many times) and it flew out.

I saved a life...a bird's life.Is it dorky if I thought spiritually about this?Cause I did...we are a lot like birds...constantly looking for a way out, feeling trapped...but we're too stupid to look to the obvious answer (God), so we keep running into obstacles that get us no where (windows).Think about that for a moment.

Be blessed and be a blessing...save a bird's life.

Namaste

My third year of college (uni), I had to do an assignment that has forever changed the way that I view the world.I had to do an ethnography for cultural anthropology.I had to sit in one location for a total of six hours over a span of six weeks.Actually in the process, I was kicked out of Wal*Mart (ask for details if you really want to know). Essentially I had to watch people. I had to watch their habits, reactions, expressions, how they treated others, their looks, and write down my observations.

I felt somewhat creepy at the time...watching people left and right and then jotting down notes along the way.I remember going into malls when I was in high school and being creeped out by the old men that would sit in the big circle area (you know what I'm talking about) and they would just stare.I didn't want people to think that was me, as a twenty year old...gross.

So, now two years later...I'm stuck doing an ethnography everywhere I go.I am constantly observing people and how they act and it actually makes me check how I act/react.Want to know where you can see the true colors of a person? A traffic jam.I've experienced plentyyyy of those since being here...I always manage to get stuck in them.

Last week,I was stuck in traffic and this guy in a red truck was beside me and he started cursing at me...for no reason.I wasn't doing anything wrong,but this guy for some reason was ticked at me.True colors shown through...

It made me conscious that people watch you and come up with an opinion of who you are in just a matter of seconds or minutes.When people watch me, do they see Jesus in me or a woman of poor character?While reading Coffee News, this wise thought came up: "You never get a second chance to make a first impression." Make it a good one and know people are watching (in a non creepy way).

Be blessed and be a blessing.

Humorous Heidi Inserts Foot

Now I know what you're all probably thinking..."Oh my!Heidi is the cutest thing in the world!" And it's totally okay to think that,but there's a bigger purpose for me sharing these oh so embarrassing photos with the world.

As you can tell from the "I can make it up the stairs" and "I hate being a ladybug" face...I had quite the witty sense of humor as a child.I was generally a "smart mouth" according to my parents and my teachers would always comment on my report cards that I was very talkative.I was the kid that passed tons of notes in class and was the "class clown." That name carried on into junior high and high school.It is seriously amazing that I never got a detention. Then,the past two years at camp, I got "best sense of humor" and this year "camp clown."

I believe that humor is totally a gift from God,but depending on how we use it...man,it can ruin a good thing.Something that I've always struggled with has been my sarcasm.I'm going to be brutally honest with you...I've been mean.It wasn't until about two years ago that I truly understand how much my humor can hurt people's feelings.I try to be more and more aware of that and think before I speak so that I don't damage a friendship. Unfortunately,I have inserted my foot in my mouth on several occassions. I hate that.I hate how I have this gift from God and instead of building people up,it tears them down.

The way that I look at internship is that it's a chance for me to grow in all the areas that I need to...when it comes to ministry and also just developing a Godly character.You know what that means...accountability.Now, no one likes to be told when they've messed up...especially when they already know that they've messed up, but I so appreciate how one person in particular is so incredibly real with me.This person tells me when I hurt people and has even said "People let you get away with too much."Ouch...but in a good way.

Accountability sometimes sucks.It's not easy to hear how you need to become a better person, but something that I'm striving for is to become that better Heidi.To not be consumed by other's thoughts of me...but to be transformed by God and become the woman of God that He would have me to be...even if that means having someone tell me what I should change about myself.That's the gift of a true friend...in all honesty.Bizarre, I know,but it's true.

I don't think that God calls us to stay the same.That doesn't make any sense, but we are to become more like Christ and more effective for His mysterious ministry.This is something that I yearn for.I want to be different.I want to be stretched.I want people to identify things that I am that need to be changed.Now that doesn't mean for you all to attack me with what's wrong with me,but having a good friend identify areas that need improving...is helpful.

Be blessed and be a blessing...and watch your mouth.

what's love got to do with it?

I remember growing up how much I loved the song "Love" by Nat King Cole.I loved it (no pun intended).My favorite line was "V is very very extra ordinary." I wanted to love in an extra ordinary way...a way that was not common to others.Those words are only now really taking shape in my life.I was always the kid who would love things with my whole heart.I loved my stuffed animals.I loved my Polly Pockets.I loved my swing set. I loved my leotard.I loved baton.I loved rollar blading in the kitchen. I loved making music videos.I loved giving people hugs.I loved people.

Growing up with the mind-set that I need to love everyone/everything with my whole heart, sacrificing myself was always something that I tried to do.But as I continued to love people, I lost sight of why I was loving them.Was I doing it because it made me a better person? Was I doing it because it was how I was brought up?Was I doing it because God calls us to love?No,I was doing it for selfish reasons.Imagine that...loving others for selfish reasons.It doesn't quite make sense.

You see,as a person who loves...I get hurt a lot.I started to resent God because I couldn't understand why God would have me love people if they were just going to hurt me in the long run of things.It didn't make sense.My heart knew why I was loving people,but until I went searching, my head didn't know.

As I was preparing a sermon today, I came across this thought:

"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home." (TWLOHA)

As a control freak, organized, structured girl, I thought that if I loved people,then they would love me in return...in the same way that I loved them.Foolish,I know,but one can dream right?Instead...I've poured myself out and gotten hurt.As I read that quote above, it finally sunk in."We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers." I am a rescuer, but I don't know the ending...and that's okay.Yes it's tough to try and understand,but I am called to love people and give them hope. It's inevitable that my heart willl get hurt.It's up to them how they will respond.And I will do just that...pour myself out again and again...as I have done for many years.

Be blessed and be a blessing.Love someone.

A Day of Firsts...

Have you ever come up with a list of things that you want to do in your life?It's probably something dorky to do,but I've definitely done it...and I bet you wouldn't be able to guess what one of those things was...driving a stick shift.Yeap...twenty-two years of life and I had never done that before.The closest that I had ever come was driving the four wheeler back home and let's just say that I wasn't very good at it.

In New Zealand, tons of people drive manual cars...it's actually kind of ridiculous and I felt like a loser for never knowing how to drive one...or having ever attempted to drive one.So,who decides to be brave and teach me?That's right...my friend Brent took on this challenge.We headed out this afternoon to a parking lot and he began to give me instructions.Now,I don't pay attention very well unless I'm about to do something..meaning,until I'm in the driver's seat,I won't be really soaking in anything that he was saying to me.

So there I sat...my little legs barely reaching the clutch and I started driving...it wasn't easy,but I was trying to come across as confident...as Brent laughed and I got more nervous.I didn't want to break his car or anything.So...I'm alive, I've driven in reverse, parked,stalled(a few times),and driven on the main road...yeah,that's right...be impressed.

Then it was time for our next adventure for the day.You see,I love kites.At college I would go and fly kites...at least I did my junior year.So,when I was given my car...there was a kite in the trunk,so I thought "Wow!What a great idea!"So,after my driving lesson,Brent flew a kite for the first time!He was a tad excited.We toughed it out through the lack of wind, rain, and sunshine so that you could see the picture up above...booyah.

Youth Pastor Heidi

So,something exciting happened today!For the past few days, something has been weighing heavily on my heart...and that's just my purpose for being here in New Zealand.I have such a passion for teens and a heart to see them come to know God and go deeper with Him...

Being new here,I wasn't about to open up my mouth and say what I thought I should say,but I wanted to ease into the role of "the intern" and not offer too much too soon...which,honestly,was a good idea.Then I became discontent...and I knew that if I didn't speak up,that I would be hindering what God wanted me to do.


So, after talking to some people that I respect dearly, a conclusion was made.I had to talk to Pastor Mike and express my heart and passion. I hate confrontation and I was really scared that I would come across as the intern who didn't know her place.When I get nervous,I get dinosaurs in my stomach and my hands get clammy and sometimes I stutter...so I was so scared!

I spent some time in prayer last night about my approach and just that God would speak through me and that Pastor Mike would have open ears, an open mind, and an open heart to what I had to say to him.We spoke for about an hour and a half and I just shared my heart with him and what I wanted to get out of my internship and where I felt I had to be obedient to God.

I love teens.I connect with them.Last night at our Teen Bible Study (Laundromat..love it), a guy walked in and I instantly knew something was wrong and I asked him later if he wanted to talk about it and I knew exactly what was wrong.That's not just a coincidence...My heart hurts when they hurt and having some crappy teenage years,I just connect with them...and it's a crucial time.Your teenage years are when some decide to follow Christ or turn from them and I want to be there for them...I want to impact them for Christ.

After sharing my heart, Pastor Mike said, okay,let's do it.You're in charge.You're the youth pastor.Um...frightening but SO exciting!!Our first outting is tonight to go and see Tom's play...we're supporting him as a Bible study.Seriously...so good!

Be blessed and be a blessing!

Worth...where are you?

Worth.I've been battling with this word lately.I'm trying to wrap my head completely around it and I can't seem to do that because anytime that I think I have it sorted, something proves me wrong. To have worth in something means that something is of value to you.What do I put my worth in?What am I valuing?

No, us being ridiculous humans, rely on other people to make sure that we feel "worth" it. I know that I'm guilty of this and it's something that I have been struggling with since I've been here in New Zealand. I wonder if I'm worth someone's time, or if I'm just annoying them.I wonder if my friends in the US and England think I'm worth their time.If I'm worth talking to and checking up on.What makes us think that we aren't worth people's time?Better yet,why do I look to other people to feel my self-worth?I can't help but get frustrated at myself.

It's almost like I'll be struggling with this until someone grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me and says "you're worth it."I think that it has to do with self-respect.Why do I find it so much easier to respect other people, but never myself.I always find myself last on the totem pole...I constantly do things for others and aim to help those in need and put myself at the bottom of the pile. Some would call this "awesome," while others would say that it's "unhealthy." Where do we draw the line?

I know I'm rambling,but seriously...how do we know when too much is too much?How do we know when we've gone past the healthy caring point and gotten to the unhealthy caring point?Why do I find it so easy to love until it hurts...and not give up on people.

I remember talking with a friend a few years back and how he had this "damsel in distress" syndrome. You know the one...where he sees a girl that it's need...or lacking the love of Jesus that he thought she could/should have...so what would he do?He would try to fix it..but it only ended up messing up his life...literally.

Why do I constantly want to fix other people's problems?When I'm friends with someone I care until I hurt...physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally.I'm constantly going through circumstances in my mind that could better this person, which makes me forget about myself..which makes me doubt if I'm "worth it" to other people.I just want to feel like I'm worth someone's time. Worth more than just five minutes here and there.

Then another part of me says, "Heidi Genevieve...you get your worth from God." Which I know is true in my heart, but my head can't seem to grasp that.My heart is giving out to many people and wanting to feel worth in return in a sense...if that makes any sense at all.I know that my worth comes from God, but knowing that people genuinely care matters a lot too.I care about people so much and they know that...I just want that same feeling.

Take Time to Realize...

So...ever since I was like able to stand..my dad,sister, and I had this thing that we would do every morning.Dad would leave for work and Robin and I would stand in the dining room and do "I heart you" to my dad through the window and he would sit in his car and do it back to us.We seriously did this every morning...so, when I went to Long Bay beach today...I decided to be creative and take some pictures for my family...I love you guys and miss you dearly.Dad,picture me doing this for you...well,you don't have to picture it because here are pictures for you!
















I moved into my flat and have some amazing flatmates.Michelle,Sarah,and Nicole are fantastic.I am so pumped to live with them.It's already been filled with adventure...and you all know how much I love adventure!So yeah...they rock and I'm so glad to be with them.I'm excited to get to know them better and to do tons of fun things together.

My list of realizations is getting longer and longer...but it's totally healthy...at least I think so.I'm realizing so much by being here.I'm realizing who my true friends are, what kind of friends I look for,how much I need God and lack sharing myself with Him sometimes...I also realize how much time I have with people.People mean the world to me.I love them and I love spending time with people...I'm just so much better when others are around.Don't get me wrong,I love to go on adventures by myself...but having company is so much better...especially in a car that doesn't have a radio.

One tidbit of information that came to my attention today is that Shore Grace was dead set on not having anyone come to work for the church if they were only going to be there for 12 months or less...but here I am.After talking to one of the leaders of the church he said that it's just too painful...people get attached and the teens get attached...and it's just so hard to get to know someone and then the next second have them gone and you never know when or if they'll be coming back.

That hit me hard.I am so blessed.It's totally a God thing that I'm here.Here is this church that has had people come in for a few months and leave...and they weren't keen on that..but here I am.I think that we take people forgranted.We don't realize the precious time that we have with them and we assume that they'll always physically be there for us to run to.It's weird...there's someone here that I have just spilled my life to and I've known this person for three weeks...but knowing that I only have a little over four months with the people here,I want to pour myself out and get to know them as best as I can...and I hope that they can find it in themselves to do the same with me.

I feel that when we're around the same people constantly we take the time with them forgranted.At camp, I had 2.5 months to get to know people and out of the experience,I have 4 of the closest friends that I have ever had.I think it's because I knew I only had a certain amount of time with them...so I poured myself out there...and they did the same.I want that with people in New Zealand.I don't want to walk away from this experience saying, "I wish that I had done that" or "I wish I had gotten to know that person better." I'm prepared to pour and they better be ready to soak it up.

Be blessed and be a blessing.

Nearly a Kiwiacan...

As I was unpacking/decorating my new room in my flat last night...I got a phone call at 6:40 and it said "Josh." Hmm...I had to think about who Josh was.I picked up and Josh said, "Hey Heidi!It's Josh...so,last minute...but I have free tickets to the Breakers game and I'm wondering if you want to come." I had to think for a moment,then I realized who it was!!Rachel was on her way up,so I said that I'd wait for her and then we'd be right up...

Rachel and I found the place just fine and we recruited three guys that walked by and said, "It's all sold out." I said, "Hey,we have free tickets.Do you want to come?" It was a Dad and his two sons(I'm guessing).So...we were able to give away some more tickets. I hope they saw Jesus through us.

The game was down to the wire...and the Breakers lost by 9...it was craziness.I didn't think that I'd get that excited, but there I was jumping up and down whenever they scored and "booing" when the other team got fouled...or so called fouled.I must say,I made Maine proud...I felt like I was at a basketball tournament the way that I was cheering.If only I had made a sign...with a "D" and a white picket "fence." Too good!

I had the AMAZING opportunity to meet some of the Breakers dancers.It was a joke...I acted super excited,but anyone who knows me..knows that I could have cared less.I definitely pulled the "I'm from America.Can I have my picture taken with you?" They're like, "yeah honey..come on over!"It was hilarious.

Good times...I'm finally taking in some more cultural moments...and my flat is fantastic.I'll post pictures soon.

Be blessed and be a blessing.

Here.

I've had so much opportunity to think over the past few days.The Yates (pastor and family) have been away skiing for the week,so I've had the blessing of staying at their house and looking after their critters...they have three chickens, a rabbit, and a cat.I was given the task of feeding the animals..obviously...I mean,they have to eat.So, I put on some rubber boots and went out to the swamp, because it rains constantly...picture me...jeans yanked up,boots on,hoodie,and a bucket of food...I felt like the biggest moron...but I looked dang attractive (jk).So now,I'm petrified of chickens because these three not only wake me up in the morning with their squacking, but they charged after me...no joke!They're all still alive...so house-sitting was a success!

On a different note...and onto another topic.

Church planting has been something that I have had a growing passion for over the past three years and being a part of a church plant over here is such a good learning opportunity.Shore Grace is celebrating its fifth year anniversary next month,so it's still a fairly young church.God has been so good to them and they are growing and reaching more people.I however, did not understand what really went into it.At times I feel that my abilities are being held back and that I don't have enough work, but at the same time...seeing how a church plant really functions is so valuable to me.They truly are a team made up of Mike, Julia, Kerry, and Rae as the head people if you could say that.They are the core and are some of the most dedicated people that I have ever met.

One of the ways that Shore Grace does outreach is through "cafe church" where they literally hold a cafe setting at the church location. This coming Sunday, we're doing cafe church with a theological twist. We're having a discussion titled: "Faith Under Scrutiny" Does science disprove God? What of suffering and evil and different religions? Is there life after death? We're having people write down questions that they have and then they'll be asked to the panel of scholars.I'm so excited to be a part of this!

On another note...sorry...but a huge way that I am blessed is through music and one song has meant so much to me over the past week...whenever I listen to it,I just see how majestic God is.I encourage you to find it and listen to it. "Here in Your Presence" by New Life Worship.Seriously..invest in this...it's so good.Let me know what you think.

Be blessed and be a blessing.

Reality Sets In...

So,I know that I've only written about the good stuff since I've gotten here,but I think that it's also important to be vulnerable with you guys and fill you in on how I'm feeling at this present moment.I absolutely love it here...trust me on that...but I was also warned that there would come a time where I would have a little breakdown...I would be homesick or something to that extent.

Well,I'm not homesick...I don't miss home (sorry house in Maine), but I miss the consistency that I had when I was at home.Consistent means: to be reliable; steady. Yes, I'm a geek and I looked that up...Anyways,I miss the consistency that I had when I was at home.Since being here, I've had to start all over.I didn't come in with friends (well,many) that were here and I knew that I would have to put myself out there and form friendships all over again.That can be so incredibly intimidating...so,thankfully I had some people step in and take me under their wing..which was very much appreciated.I honestly think that when I get into my flat (this Thursday/Friday),then it'll be much better!

Anyways,back to the consistency thing...I had a situation on Friday night which left me feeling like I had no consistency.I was supposed to go out,but that ended up not happening.I hate planning something,but then having those plans fall through...I've always hated when people bail on me and that's what I felt on Friday...though I know the other person didn't mean to have that happen.I wouldn't believe that's in anyone's heart to be like that...

So,I ended up sitting at home on Friday and contemplating(not something that's healthy for me..cause I think way too much)for the night...and then on Saturday,I hadn't made any plans,so I sat and thought some more.I miss my friends a lot.Three of my best friends live in England and my other two best friends live in America...it's rough to be here without them.I never really imagined how much I would miss my friends...people that know me inside and out and know what makes me happy and what makes me sad and when I just need to sit with someone and say nothing and then when I need to spill my guts.

I miss consistency.I am determined to find that here.Please know that I'm doing much better, but for the weekend I wasn't much of a fan of being around people...but I'm getting back into the swing of things.So, Mom and Dad...don't worry...I'm good...and to my consistent friends...thank you.

Be blessed and be a blessing to someone.

I definitely have some wheelsssssss...

Coming to another country can provide so many amazing opportunities...obviously.One opportunity that I was so stoked about was the opportunity to drive over here.Not only do they drive on the other side of the road, but also on the other side of the car!I knew that this would be a task and I was totally up for the challenge...

So, this past Thursday my friends Jo, Rachel, and Sara came up from South Auckland and drove my car, known as "Nelson" to the Yates house. There he was...a four door gray little car. It comes equiped with no working radio and the AC only works on full blast. That's right my friends, this car has personality.Well, on Friday I set out on a journey to hang out with Rachel down south and hopped on the motorway headed into the city of Auckland. The motorway=packed.I've been in traffic jams before, but nothing compared to this one.

I was texting my friends saying that I was stuck in this massive traffic jam.Here I was,no AC and no radio...so what did I do?The one thing that any American would do...I busted out my laptop and started jamming to tunes :)I was stuck on the motorway for two hours...and moved maybe 2.5 miles.What a journey by myself...my first time driving...and I went nowhere.Pretty much a success!

Come to find out,there was a massive accident on the main bridge.A truck was going under an overpass, but had too much stuff on the top of his truck and pretty much destroyed the bridge. They had to shut down the entire motorway for about 10 miles...and when I went driving yesterday, I saw the middle of the bridge completely taken out.I guess you could say that they won't be using that bridge for a while...

So,it's been a few days...I've only driven on the wrong side of the road once.No one has gotten hurt and Nelson is a little loud, but is steady...more adventures to come I'm sure.