Letting Me Go as Opposed to Needing Me to Go

I started some debriefing with my senior pastor this week. I am a total dork. I was going through my head the possible questions that he could ask me and trying to "prep" myself for what was to come in the next little while. That little while turned out to be over an hour and a half! I was so blessed!

We sat and talked for quite a while...I told him some of the key things that I had learned over there and he shared with me some of the things that he learned while being on his sabbatical from January-March. I was so blessed to have him and his family come to Auckland while I was there. They didn't expect me to meet them at the airport, but I woke up at 4:30am (how I remember that...ugh) and drove to the airport all by myself for the first time. I kept waiting for them to come through the sliding doors, but others came through...so I waited and waited some more. I was so excited!

As soon as I sat down, here they came...looking excited as ever. I can remember Mel, Mackenzie, and Madeline walking by me without realizing that I was right there,but Randall said, "It's the Heidster!" That has been his nickname for me for years! He made the four of us get in a photo, reluctantly, and then we carried on. I never knew the impact that had on him...until debriefing.

He shared with me how God lets us be a part of what He's doing...He doesn't need us to do it. He loves how we love to go somewhere and do work for the Kingdom, but He doesn't actually need us to do it. Crazy thought that I'm still trying to process. That along with how we are to die to ourselves every day so that we can live more fully for Christ. I'm starting to dig into the book of Acts and really put myself in the passages that I am reading.

One of the last things that Randall said was that he and Mel (his wife) had done ministry in New Zealand quite a while ago...so they were the missionaries there, who would be greeting people who came to visit or such. By me coming to the airport to welcome his family, he was incredibly blessed. I guess we never know what type of impact we can actually have on people. I didn't think that I would have had that kind of an impact...I was just picking them up from the airport!

It got me thinking...The Burns family have poured into me since I was in junior high. They have been a part of me becoming the woman of God that I have. So by them seeing me in New Zealand as a missionary, they were blessed because God let them be a part of ministering to me and now I was out ministering to others. What a blessing!

So, pour into people...because you never know what may happen.
I'm blessed.

The Snow is Melting...The Rain is Falling...

Yay for snow and yay for snow melting :) I've been home for nearly a week now and there is a lot less snow then when I first arrived. Hey,I'm not complaining! To the left is a picture of my house. It felt so weird to walk into a house that had an attic and a basement, as most homes in NZ do not have those!
It feels so nice to be able to sleep in...seeing as I'm trying to get into the time zone...I find myself going to sleep between 3-4 am and waking up in the early afternoon. Don't worry people, I will be social again hopefully soon.

It's so weird. I thought that when I came back I would be keen to spend time with as many people as possible, but it's been the total opposite. I ventured out on Saturday to the Maine State Jazz Festival and saw a ton of people there that I knew, but I was really out of it as I'm still exhausted. I also saw my friend's band play on Saturday night...and again, I left early...because I'm tired and just finding it very overwhelming to be around a group of people.

I'm hoping that I get out of this funk sometime soon. On a brighter note...I am officially done all of my internship work. I finished the reflection paper on Sunday and I did my portfolio of all that I've done, yesterday....and let's just say that the binder is enormous and weighs a ton. I'll be driving down to Bethany tomorrow with a couple of friends to drop all of that off. Woohoo!

Graduation is two and a half weeks away. Someone asked me today how I feel about that and honestly, I'm so pumped for it. I just want to get my degree and be done with school for a little while. It still boggles my mind that I'm graduating though because I'm not at school, but I'm guessing that when I go up to visit tomorrow, that I'll become more aware of the fact that my friends and I are all graduating soon....weird.

Be blessed and be a blessing!

P.S. Plans for South Korea are starting to form :)

Back to Maine...Back to Reality.

The clock says 2 am and I'm still awake.

I'm back in Maine now. My last flight got in this morning at 8:45 and I was relieved to see my parents there...I must admit that it felt really weird to see them because it had been so long. The next thing I was worried about were my bags because they had to change my terminals...but thankfully they were there.

Traveling by myself this time was quite brutal. I left Auckland after saying goodbye to 22 amazing friends that have become part of my family. It has been the hardest thing for me to be away from them. It just doesn't feel right. I keep expecting my cell phone to vibrate and to get a text message or have one of my teens run up to me and try to bruise me. It's just different.

Once I got home, I sat in the green chair in our living room and just sobbed. It's back to reality...I'm not in New Zealand anymore. I'm not surrounded by a diverse culture. I'm not looking at palm trees and hearing the ocean...instead I'm looking at snow and having my dog Coal lick my pants. People didn't prepare me for this. I am glad to be home, but it's so hard when my heart is somewhere else...I don't feel complete. I don't feel like being social. I feel so tired in every possible way,but my mind won't let me rest.

My parents said that if there were any possible way that they could have let me stay there, they would have because they knew how difficult this was going to be for me. I'm so thankful that they are being understanding. It's frustrating for them too because they don't know how to react and what to do for me to help. I did e-mail my pastor about doing debriefing with him,so hopefully we'll start that soon.

My heart hurts. I'm a world away from my boys that I love and miss so much. This is going to take some getting used to. This is going to take some time. I know that this will make me stronger and God has a reason for me experiencing these emotions at this time. Please keep me in your prayers as I adjust to being home...

To those of you in NZ, I miss you greatly.

Be blessed and be a blessing...even when you don't think you can be.

Heidi

The time has come to say good bye...

I look to the left of me, and there sit my two bags...one red hiker bag and one green suitcase. It's Christmas. Not quite, but you get the idea. I honestly didn't think that I would be able to get it all in,or that I would have to sit on my suitcase to get it shut, but thankfully it's all good...I'm just praying that it isn't overweight,otherwise I'm in trouble.

I have never felt more blessed than I have the past two days. I have had numerous people call,text,and swing by all to say "hi and bye" and to check to see if I am okay. As hard as last night was for me, I felt so loved to look in the Mackay's living room and see my two old flatmates Michelle and Jess, Rachel, Brent, James, Rick, Sam, Evy, Rod, Jan, Phil, and had people come in while we were there with each other. As I looked at each person's face, I found myself trying to memorize it so that I would never forget it.

I am such a leaky faucet. I honestly don't understand how I have anymore tears left. It's totally bizarre. Where do they come from?!I think I'll become dehydrated or something...eeks! So, here ya go...

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go.

I'm standing here outside your door.

I hate to wake you up to say good-bye.

But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn

The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn

Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you'll wait for me

Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane

I don't know when I'll be back again

Oh, babe, I hate to go

I'll be Stateside soon and I'm excited to see people...and NZ just you wait for the return of Heidi Genevieve Sattler.

Ouch,This Hurts...

I leave in two sleeps. I have two days left here. Where did the time go? How did it get so late so soon? For the past week, I've been having a really tough time with saying good-bye to people or even trying to talk to them about "what's next" for me. They always ask me "Are you coming back?" and honestly...I sure hope so.I really don't feel as though God is done with my time here...He is for this present moment, but there is SUCH a great need here for Christians and pastors...and I'm game to step up and step in as soon as I can again.

I would ask that you would please keep me in your prayers over the next week or two as I not only leave New Zealand, but try to adapt to my home culture again...that's going to be an adjustment. Just to be sure I get this out...I am looking forward to seeing people...don't get me wrong, it's just tough when your heart wants to be somewhere else and you are where you are...a world away.

I don't understand how the whole time thing works. I was sharing with someone that it seems that until the "half way" point comes, time goes so slowly, but as soon as you hit the half way mark, everything goes by so fast. Why is it that something you want to last for a long time...just seems to pass you by more quickly.

I may or may not have been crying on the phone with my friend the other day and I said something like, "I'm not cut out for this" and he said "Heidi, this is proof that you are." I let that sink in for a while...

I can't even begin to explain how the experience has changed me. I have become more dependent on God and realize how much work there is still left for me to do...for God to do in and through me and I'm excited for the ride that I'm on.

I had my last Sunday at Shore Grace today. I, of course, had the water works turn on during one of the songs and then Pastor Mike pulled me up front to pray for me. He turns to me, as I wipe tears off of my tear stained face, and he said, "Do you want to say anything?" Well, yeah..there's a whole lot that I want to say,but can I physically get it out.

I stood there with the microphone in front of my face and I struggled to get a word out as I gasped for air in between tears. I couldn't help but look at "my boys" (my core teenagers-5 of 8 teenage guys that were there). Anytime I looked at them, I cried...Just as I was getting ready to share, here come my five boys to stand by me and to support me. That's why I was here...

I'm not done here.

I've Lived in Six Places...

It's pretty crazy that my time here is nearly done.I try to escape the fact that I'm leaving soon, but I just can't. People keep telling me "You have so much time left," but I really don't and I have to prepare myself to head home in 11 days...that's mental. Since I've been here, I have had numerous people come into my life and impact it in ways that are far beyond anything that I could have ever imagined.

It boggles my mind that since being here, I have lived in six different places...I've been here for 6.5 months...that's a lot of moving around and a lot of living out of my suitcase...woot woot!About a month ago, I was worried as to where I was going to live for the last 2.5 weeks that I'm here...and the Mackay's stepped in and said that they would love to have me. I LOVE this family...they are literally like a home away from home...I've never felt more welcome or loved...that's what this family has given me. I have loved living with them for the past week and I have another week and a half with them.

Rod and Jan Mackay are some of the best examples of what selfless loving is all about. They are sacrificial in a way that I haven't seen before. They have three sons. James (17), Rick (16), and Sam (13). I love these boys. I feel like their older sister and that blesses me in itself! Yesterday, we had the opportunity to go to James' first rugby match. He wears #9 (hence the picture) and yes, he has a mullet...a typical hairstyle here. Rick, Sam, and I had a little photoshoot while Jan took Sophie (their dog) for a nice little walk.

It will break my heart to leave them, but I so look forward to seeing where the boys end up and hearing about how many more people Rod and Jan get to minister to.

James #9...he gave me the nickname "Heidi Face" which I am now called...or to shorten it, they don't call me Heidi, but they call me "Face." True story.
Rick (L) and Sam (R) playing on a little playground. Rick told me that I looked too excited to see a playground...and then I got on the swing and went as high as I could..with a big grin on my face. Nice to know that some things won't ever change.

The Way Life Should Be.

Each State has a motto. Maine's motto: "The Way Life Should Be." Weird to think about. In three weeks, I'll be hopping on a plane and heading home to the great white north...also known as aroostook county. Many things are going through my head right now...I'm trying to process as much as I can...I'm trying to do as much as I can...I'm trying to stay focused and not check out, but honestly that can be quite the challenge.

I'm still having a blast over here. I love my teens. We made Bible Study t-shirts tonight...the Bible study is called "Laundromat" so my friend Evy designed the stencils and we did that tonight...put it this way...teens with spray paint...eeks! I now have perma-pink-purple hands...awesome!

I've had the opportunity to live at the Fussner house while they have been in the States and I've been able to spend tons of quality time with Emily and Evy...two of my favorite people over here. I have to say, I've loved the "family feel" that I get when I'm around them. It's like they are an extension to my family in the States...so that's awesome! I was talking with another American today about how when I see him in the States, I know that we'll pick up right where we left off because we experienced this together, so I know that there will always be that bond...if that makes any sense.

So...I'm doing well. I am definitely not looking forward to leaving, but I am looking forward to being home in the cold (okay,slight lie), and I'm ready to see my family and friends and to look on ahead to the next chapter.

It may not be "the way life should be." Instead, I like to look at it as "The way life could be."